When starting this blog. I always thought that it had to follow some standard of expression. To be like the many other ministry websites. Little did I know it was maybe more for me than it was for you all. A place were we see that we may not all be so different after all.
Three years ago I met someone that I came to love. Someone who I would give my all to see them smile. Who, if I think about it would do the same for me. For reasons God only knows he separated us for good, as far as I know.
Now, I feel an emptiness that I have not felt in a long time. And I find it to be a welcome emptiness. The emptiness is appropriate. A form of closure to all the emotions that came before. A recalibration of the emotions appropriate to the time.
What this person gave me was meaning. A reason to care. They originally came to me with a challenge that only God could solve. In this world where we are rewarded for distinction. This person gave me an distinct problem and courageously they gave me a chance at helping them solve it. They were courageous because the problem they had was within themselves. For some reason they trusted me enough to allow me inside to help me with what they could not unravel on their own. God used me because he trusted me, not because I had anything to offer.
This is only half of it. There was another half going on.
In my own life I have come to see that there are some character flaws that God has allowed to remain within me until I finally throw my hands up in thinking that I will ever overcome them. Maybe to allow a reorientation from thinking about self and to rather serve someone else instead. Not so much that we begin to look outside of ourselves for help. If only the right person would pray for me… Not so much to be helped but rather to help. Through recognizing a helplessness in my own life and my inability to defeat lustful behaviors. I became deeply aware of pain. A pain so severe that I could no longer bear to see that others could also experience the same depth of desperation yet hold my hand from helping them if I could. Sometimes God can take the pain of others, that which is more severe than our own, to take our mind off our own woes and rather consider the hopelessness of others.
At the time not knowing while I thought God was using me to do a work within this other person. God was doing a work within me. Through the time of being this person’s closest friend something inside of me that I began to believe would never change had broken. There was no announcement or angels coming from the clouds. If I didn’t know any better I could not tell you when this happened. It is something that I can just tell has.
All I know is that through the process of forgetting about myself and now as I begin to remember myself again, that part is no longer there. Not in the same way.
It has left me a bit off balance. I became so used to that old anchor of lust hunting me and driving my reality that it is not that I feel only an emptiness, but also a peace. Imagine yourself, standing on your front porch at night looking out into the dark. You hear a small soft sound but the darkness makes it unable to see from where it came. After this moment of sound the night then goes back to silence and peace. The concern for danger has left you, but you still know a sound was heard. So though you sense no reason to fear, still you anticipate new sounds that may never come. This is how I feel right now.
So here I am. No longer having many friends or much money left after these three tumultuous years. Three years committed to meeting someone in their pain right where they were. I made some mistakes but I do not condemn myself. I’m thankful this person was gracious with me even in the times I would become impatient.
But there are some things that will never go away. I’m still thinking of the Oaks that edge the green fields across the Welsh Country Side. Where a young woman who has come to see that God loves her. There in those green fields she walks amongst the grasses as she lets them brush through her fingers and softly sings songs about the things she used not to be able to speak.
Manifold Mountain 