There was a time where I thought it would be good to help deliver people from demonic spirits (it is still a good time to do so). Because of my own experiences of deliverance and how through the removal of demonic entities from my soul brought a deeper peace and connection to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I wanted to share this with others. This liberation and internal security motivated my desire to help others get free through this process of deliverance.
These best intentions painfully took a strange turn. Now please do not misinterpret what I’m about to say in the following paragraph. You see as a mortal man. I am a chief of sinners. I have done more things to be ashamed of than most. So when I compare my ‘level’ of sanctity to that of any other. It is purely by God’s grace and mercy on me and his forgiveness which I do not deserve. This very fact is the part that terrifies me the most. The fact that there is nothing that I can do in my own sophistry to escape hell. It is terrifying, for there is absolutely nothing we can do to deliver ourselves from certain fate!
So to describe the scenario…
There was a young woman who reached out to me for deliverance. Telling me a sob story of how no one will deliver her or can (she may have been partly right on that after having gone to multiple ministries before meeting me). This person was and still is a demoniac (a tragedy in all regards). I’ve also come to know that the devil will take great offense for me even using this individual as an example. “How dare I?”, he accuses. So if you find yourself the person offended by this. Admit the truth that you are a wretched sinner and only because of God’s mercy and forgiveness you live to this very day. The devil is a thief and a liar and is not too low to use you as his vessel to kill and destroy. He uses us in our sin to destroy and kill others.
So here Satan sent someone one in their sin to destroy me and I let him do it because of my righteous pride.
Here I was thinking I’m this big bad Christian warrior. That it was only because the other deliverance ministers did not care enough or where not surrendered enough to be able to help this woman.
You see how this goes now don’t you?
So the Devil let me win here and there. Letting me make progress and think that I was overcoming the kingdom of darkness within this poor soul. All the while he would plant little seeds in my ear in how I could better help this person with their deliverance. The Devil convinced me with this persons insanity that the he would actually take their life because of the level of pure possession they were under.
The Devil led me onto believe there was a part of this person that was misunderstood and simply needing a shoulder they could rely upon. It makes me nauseous to consider I gave this spiritual whore any sort of authority over me (feeling offended refer to the paragraph above). If they were truly so wise why could they not get themselves out of the hell hole they were in. Often times therapeutic recognition or “demanded sensitivity” is nothing but pedantic reassertion of ones allegiance to the demonic; whitewashed in “feelings”. A person can have a dagger sticking out of their chest and when trying to pull it out they get bothered that it hurts. When they began to make suggestions on the process for deliverance, it was at this point in time where I should have completely severed all connection with this person. Instead I maintained a perverted sense of loyalty due to my own fear of inadequacy in Jesus Christ and the desire to appear sensitive to this poor soul hurt by all the atrocities of the world that had occurred against them. That is I was very attached to being viewed a good person regardless of the means. This correlated into my lack of ability to believe that despite If I am involved or not God’s sovereign will would be done in this person’s life besides what my opinion was, for better or worse.
The truth is that I did not deserve all the hell I went through for this person. They truthfully did not deserve for me to go through all the hell I did for them. God knows I went through tons of hell that I am still paying for to this day, as you will see in clearer detail below.
To imagine we could even go through a partial of the hell that Christ went through for us on the cross is but hubris and wishful thinking. Yet Jesus actually did do all of this for our sakes; and he was the only one who could succeed doing so.
One day this “satanic victim” or demonic alter came up out of this person and told me. “The demons are too strong for me, I’m afraid they will kill me if something is not done. Would you take some of them for me? Then I think I would have the strength to get free from the rest.”
It went something like that.
So here I am thinking to myself. By God’s grace he has freed me from the demons that tormented me for years. So why could this same power not help her get free. So Christian warrior that I was I agreed to help how I could. So I sat there in the back of my truck and she was in her room. She described holding onto a cylinder that was of fire. I envisioned it as she passed it to me. I then drank this cylinder of fire. So I began to feel a countless number of demons enter me, as though a stream of them.
Legions, into the swine…. I was but a swine to this legion of demons.
All I could hear in my spiritual ears was the screaming of like wraths. I fell off the bed in my truck onto the floor and vomited quarts of throw up into the trash can. All the overflow of demonic spirits that were transferred to me came out of me as puke into the trash. I felt spiritually raped.
After about 5 minutes attempting to compose myself. Deep down I asked myself, “what was I thinking?” Knowing that inside me something was not the same. As if my hard drive was erased and a new operating system was installed. This operating system was not isolated to me but was intertwined with this other person. Sheepishly and compulsively she asked how I was doing after hearing me choke up a bucket of spit up? Full on knowing deep down that she tricked me. She feigned concern the best she could. I asked how she felt? She said she felt better…
Since then I have never been the same. I’ve gone through different stages of deliverance, fasting, and prayer but ever since then I have felt permanently effected. At times this has troubled me. Even writing this post is causing the demonic spirits that have been part of this to get agitated. Ultimately I feel deep down a division between Jesus Christ and myself in a indescribable way. Even compared to the time I was not saved and living a sinful life. I admit that attempting to discern it here has been creating a partition inside my soul between that and my spirit that can be sensed.
You may think that I have a bone to pick with this person. Truthfully I do not. If anything I want this person to be free as much as anyone else. Most of all I want to be out from under the curse of this colossal mistake made in my pride.
The mistake I made back then was assuming this person was a victim of sin. That there was nothing inside of them but offense enacted against them from others. This caused me to take responsibility for things that were not mine to take and gloss over the warnings that could see this maliciousness inside them. Its called having sympathy for the Devil. Never ever have sympathy for the Devil, for he deserves it naught. This malicious part of them is unhindered in doing violence towards others and actually gets off on it. If you are attentive enough you can identify they pretense and soon watch them do offense with full knowledge of their actions. These spirits living within this person enacted violence towards me all the months and years that I suffered them. I tolerated it because for some reason felt like they were exempt because they were only acting out the wounds they received in their innocence. Still it was a sick and twisted part of them that was impossible to be satiated and they would exemplify this time and time again.
So take this as a warning. Do not ever take on demons on behalf of another. Do not be tricked into being a substitute for the destitution of another despite how much pity you may have on them. If an individual sees it within themselves to be in command of how their deliverance is to be enacted and will not submit to basic structure this is a huge red flag of their lack of humility to the will of God and those whom he places in positions of spiritual authority. There is no spiritual intensity that should take precedence over the the process and authority directed by God’s spirit. If things are pushing you to leave those confines, that is time for the session to end. Possibly permanently if you discern this is his will. Because if we truly trusted in God’s sovereignty we could sit and watch the person die without lifting a finger if that was God’s will to do. Though God asks us to be his hands and feet, he does not ask us to do what only he can do or has already done himself.
Now I also want to put a paragraph of compassion in here. Behind all these people are true lost souls. People who I believe want to be loved and love. Lots of the times it may not be their actual fault. But at the end of the day each persons salvation is their own responsibility.
Philippians 2:12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling;
Now I do not believe that God has abandoned this person or desires they are always under bondage of the enemy. But I do believe that God will take us on the way that he sees fit for us to learn what we need to learn. He will not erase steps because he is going to take it easy on us. In many regards he holds us in such high esteem and belief that he takes us by the hand and leads us in and of his own into the promised land. In short the apparent abandonment by man is not an accurate indicator of abandonment by God. For he says, never will I leave you nor forsake you. But it is equally important to not place onto man such a demand of love and approval that you take away that honor from God who deserves that position alone.
I encourage you to deeply consider the responsibility that God asks of us as we enter the ministries of deliverance. We are truly up against things which we do not and cannot understand. It is dangerous and to be cavalier or immature in the gravity of the calling can do harm to others including ourselves.
May God have Mercy on all our Souls.
God have Mercy on me for my Sins, for I am but a miserable wretch before you.